I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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