so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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