I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
