I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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