You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
