Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
