I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
