I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
