If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
