just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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