She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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