There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We don't watch enough power rangers
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
