I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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