"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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