no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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