My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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