my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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