would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
