Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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