At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
