I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
