Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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