fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
