At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
