she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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