just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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