OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
