Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
