why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
