Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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