my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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