I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I need moral support for this bender
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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