Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
