Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize