Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
