I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
