i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You're a disaster
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