i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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