had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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