Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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