I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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