I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
