She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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