"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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