Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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