Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
