dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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