Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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