Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
