literally had 100 drinks last night.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
