Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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