If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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