i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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