walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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