Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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