i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I can't trust your balls anymore.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
