Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
