Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
