I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
