If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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