I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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