I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
