clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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