i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
