he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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