too bad you live with your parents still
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
